Lately, I feel so wrong like I don't want to even care about myself anymore. (How come that even happened.) Tapi hakikatnya, I am so fragile, setiap komentar manusia pada aku, aku rasa aku berada di tahap perlu untuk tak perlu hidup dan mati. I'd choose die rather than keep living life. Untill at that one moment a friend of mine said to me sarcastically,
"Amalan dah cukup sangat ke yang nak sangat mati tu."
But I replied, "I don't care." and She simply smirked at me.
I don't know why am I thinking like that. My level of self-esteem sangatlah rendah, Or aku memang pelik. This semester, awal-awal dah kena iktiraf dengan doktor kata 'Awak stress' and She keeps telling me to stop eating chocolate and drink coffee. Dia bagi painkiller lagi siap. and I'll consume those pills like macam gula-gula bila pening. (Doh, mampus aku kalau ummi tau) Lagi sumpah stress bila Kelas art&Craft. I thought this sem's going to be great, sebab ada subject favourite, but then, aku stress. When people started to gives comment, positive of negative, I can't accept. I don't like when people around me even puji. Because I don't feel like I am puas dengan setiap art yang aku buat. A lot of things happened. Gaduh sana sini, hatred everywhere. Sampai aku rasa, salah ke aku cuba untuk positif dan maafkan certain people sebab maybe their level kefahaman dan tahap tarbiyah tu tak sama dengan aku. I feel like aku yang salah. and I do feel like I don't want to live anymore. Apa ni. Ya ya, ya. I am trying a bit harder this time, to help myself more. Tapi salah ke aku, bila aku try to be more positive towards people yang tahap tarbiyah diorang tak sama. I was like very affected, sebab aku rasa aku bersalah, and I shouldnt say anything. Even everytime people asked me to give opinion ke apa, aku rasa no I shouldnt say anything. Aku rasa macam I am not mature enough to comment or say anything. Nanti salah, orang comment apa lah. See tak mature. sedangkan dah 20 kot. Aishh.
btw, I love you guys so much, but I am introvert most of the time bila dekat rumah, because I don't feel like I have right to do anything. Macam the feeling of guilty bila buat apa pun. (Tak fahamkan) I dont know why I feel like tht, But I hope it will slowly faded soon insyaAllah.
stupid kan? Ok, I really need to stop blaming myself. and be more positive towards me.- myself. kan?
