yes, we're in pain.

I am broken and in pain, and you know what, everybody does.

I am lost and adrift, and you know what, everybody does sometimes.

I always find myself grasping for air and a beautiful life, but nothing good coming in my way the way I wanted to. Let's face the fact, the reality of this life aint always that good. This life originally not the place for us to rest and be happy without being in pain and in trouble. We got to face the trials and tribulation, live with it, and learn from it.

and yes, being in pain is a bless. I can ponder on things that I might see differently and look at it from a better side and view. It might be bad, and painful and I might feel like I want to die every single time, but I just need to keep myself on track and calm myself and breath. Live with it, the pain will be there, so do happiness. I just need to look on the brighter side and be happy. This might be hard, for me who always filtering negativity, but why not try for something that's worth trying, no?

hopefully, we all can be happy despite the pain and the grieve that keeps on going towards our way, because, life is short, and the real happiness is ahead of us, insyaAllah --

dear++

It is time for you to leave us,

The blessed month,

Its the month where we could see who we really are,

Its the month where we could find ourselves back to him,

Its the month I find peace and harmony.

Dear lord,

I did my best, although it is during my last.

Dear lord,

I did found myself, I think , but am still doesn't  love myself back,

Dear Lord,

I am in pain, and still,

Let me be in pain forever, for I know I deserves this, and it is as a great reminder for me, to always have faith in you, and rely on you, only.

Dear lord,

You know whats in our heart, in our mind,

You give us the best but never we be grateful for it,

We even sometimes put the blame on You for the sadness and the grieve that we feel.

But, Dear Lord, Ya rahman, ya raheem,

Never leave us, no matter what, because in the end we always need You by our side--

Thank you, for this beautiful month, Allah.

And ramadhan. May we meet again,

Love,

Sinful sinner.

3 a.m rant--

Hi, I know I got things on my mind, and I need to spill it out.

Yes, I want to rant, hard--

Its almost the end of ramadhan. Tonight is the end of 10 Malam terakhir. And I am crying right now. It is so sudden, I don’t know why I am tearing up while writing this, but yes, I am crying right now. I don’t understand why am I feeling this sad. It is so overwhelming. Maybe because I’ll miss the feeling when I pray to Lord during qiam. I didn’t feel that connected with God other than that particular qiam time. And I am not sure will I ever feel this way again. Will ever be able to wake up every night to eagerly see Him and weeping to Him like a small kid again--

Talking about praying, Doa’, I got a lot that I mention and cry in my dua’//

And among the things that I pray for is, “Lord, help me to love myself again”--

Yes, I am struggling. I know some people would say that I am over acting, over thinking, yada yadayada, and yes, maybe. But I don’t know how to hush away this feeling of hating myself so much ad how much I want to die. Some would say, “Hey kenapa dia macam nak mati sangat, dia ada family yang baik, kawan-kawan-” I wish those people can help me to stop feeling this way, but this is not the matter of them. Its me, its the complicated feeling no one can understand.

At times I feel like “okay, dying is not worth it.”

And the next day I find myself crying in my room alone, holding my voice inside, wet pillow from overwhelming tears, me trying to hurt myself and “God, I want to die so much. I don’t want to live anymore.”. It changing day by day, and it hurt so much.

And that is why, it always be my personal favourite wish and doa’; that I will pray to my Lord especially during qiam at this 10 malam terakhir. I am hoping and praying that I could love myself again, and stop thinking about wanting to die--

쩌얼?

잍스 오카위 토 쩌얼 껏트럿스 안드 티럳,

잍스 오카위 토 쩌얼 받 아보웉 위오욲설쯔 소머티멋,

잍스 오카위 토 쩌얼 리커 트힛, 와어 아꺼 후만,

붙 크너와 트핱 위오욲 롞드 잇 너앆.
He cures your pain, He bless you with His love.
The best reliance you could ever get,
Knows that, He nevee leave us,  nor He abandon us, but We who are the one who always did first--

Moga ada cebis amal yang diterimaNya, 모가-모기 ♡

ما في قلب؟

When you love someone,  your heart going to say so,
Rat-tat-tat,  the sound of your heart.
When you love someone,  you'll feel happy, sad, worried and in pain.
When you love someone, you feel like the whole world is smiling at you.
When you love someone,  you'll remember them morning and night and in between.
When you love someone,  you'll be concern about them.
When you love someone, you want to know everything about them, you want to fall in love with everything that he/she loves.
When you love someone, you're gonna miss them even after a second seeing each other.
When you love someone, you don't need words to explain why.
Once you fall in love, there's no need a reason for you to love them.
But if you're hoping too much,
You might get hurt,
They might leave you,
They might hurt you,
They might hate you,
They might makes you hate the thing you used to love,
They might makes you hate yourself,
And you ended up, hurting so bad,  for having hope and dream.
But,
Not the One Who Created you.
Cintalah Dia setulusnya,
Berharaplah pada dia semahunya,
Hanyutlah dalam mencintaiNya,
Berdoalah padaNya,
Tidakkan kau terluka, bahkan bakal disembukan luka kau yang dilukai manusia.
Kerana mencintai Dia, sang Maha Cinta, takkan pernah menghampakan--

قلبى لله--

| KL. 0723am. 250416|

Dah dua tahun aku ambil diploma. Ada lah baki beberapa bulan sebelum aku sambung internship aku, insyaAllah. Dan selama dua tahun lebih ni, banyak perkara baik (banyak giga) yang aku belajar dan dapat tapi dalam masa yang sama banyak juga masalah yang aku dapat. Ada sesetengah yang aku boleh selesaikan tapi sesetengah tu, Ya Allah memang aku selalu sampai buntu nak buat macam mana. Antara masalah yang aku hadapi yang aku rasa semua pun hadapi (percayalah setiap dari kita mesti pernah hadapi walaupun sekali) adalah masalah grouping. Sampai kesudah aku meluat betul sistem grouping ni walaupun ada lah baiknya juga sistem ni Sebenarnya dalam nak siapkan assignments. tapi, bila nak bentuk group kalau boleh pilih buat assignment sorang aku lagi rela pilih sorang. The fact that, we will eventually choose the best group that we want sampaikan kadang ada tu kawan kita terasa hati. Benda yng macam ni jadi bila macam group yang satu kandang dia punya keluasan kawan dia sampaikan bila nak buat group dalam cuma 5-4 orang dalam satu group tu, ada lah kejap lagi tu kawan-kawan yang terasa hati sebab tak dapat dengan orang yang dia nak. Setiap sem aku boleh kata, aku memang paling tak suka bila kena buat group bila masuk sem baru. Sama ada nak menangkan hati sendiri nak group dengan orang yang semua buat kerja bagus ataupun ambil je sesiapa yang even group punya assignment selalu tak serius daan ambil risiko carrymark jatuh dan redho. Waktu sem pertama biasalah kita tak kenal orang, tapi alhamdulillah, group first sem aku okay. Bila naik second sem, kita pun dah start tahu sikit-sikit macam mana orang tu, dan orang ni bekerja dan kita akn jadi bit picky. Sem ni lah bermula kita, aku kau diuji. Sama ada nak jadi selfish ataupun, kita cuba je bantu kawan-kawan kita yang lemah sikit untuk dapatkan carrymark yang bagus juga. Second sem, aku ni macam baik lah lagi, hati suci lagi, dan aku pun ambil group yang agaklah aku kena lead hampir semua. Semester ni, aku paling banyak menangis dan tidur malam selalu lesap dan pagi aku jadi bengong sebab tak tidur siapkan assignment. Semester dua jugaklah aku punya carrymark agak jatuh dan menjejaskan aku punya cgpa, tapi Alhamdulillah lepas tu makin meningkat, mungkin tu hikmahnya Allah nak tunjukkan kot. Dan Alhamdulillah jugak semua pun dalam group aku waktu sem dua dulu tak boleh nak buat apa, cakap kat depan nervous, suara masing-masing perlahan dah makin ada confident dan makin bagus buat kerja. Aku happy untuk diorang.

 Dan sekarang ni dah sem enam, masih juga masalah grouping ni ada. Ye ada guys. Jangan risau, korang takkan mampu lari. Sampai satu tahap aku macam give up dan kata "Nak jadi selfish untuk kali ni je. Chaebal, aku nak cgpa aku elok." Tapi tetap ada rasa bersalah. Bila ada yang terasa sebab kadang  diorang macam kata kita ni selfishlah. Benda dan manusia-manusia macam ni sangatlah hebat dalam buat ku overthinking sampai aku insomnia ye. Fikir pro and cons jadi selfish, apa silap aku, apa silap diorang, apa betulnya aku dan diorang. Dan hakikatnya, normal lah, bila fikir balik kenapa ada yang terasa adalah, masing-masing yang concern pasal group nak dengan orang tu lah, dengan orang ni lah sebab dia mesti sedar yang bila dengan orang ni dia kerja bagus so, carrymark kita pun InsyaAllah akan bagus, kerja pun teratur dan sebagainya. Satu masalah yang kita tak check diri kita balik selalunya adalah, kita tak sedar yang kita ni selalu agak bermasalah bila buat kerja sampai membuatkan orang tak nak group dengan kita. Aku adalah manusia yang walaupun aku agak tak faham kenapa ada jugaklah manusia yang nak group dengan aku, tapi aku sedar je yang aku banyak jugak problem dalam buat kerja ni dan salah satunya, aku buat kerja last minute, last minute tu pun ikutlah masa mood dia hahahaha. Tapi entah bila banyak refleksi diri aku tanya orang dan sebagainya, ada yang certain kata, last minute aku adalah last minute yang boleh pakai dan aku sendiri pun akan pastikan kerja aku tu memuaskan hati aku walaupun last minute. Agak perfectionist tapi versi last minute gitu. Dan mungkin effort aku last minute tu sampai tak tidur sebab tu kot certain ada yang percaya aku. Tapi aku tak menidakkan cara kerja aku banyak juga yang kena perbaiki. Dan tak layaklah aku untuk dapat orang-orang bagus je dalam group sebab aku pun tak bagus. Tapi tu lah, satu benda yang setiap orang kena check ada lah, kita janganlah tunding jari dekat orang yang nak group perfect je, sebab hakikatnya, we all want to have that kind of group, for the sake of getting good carrymark dan sebagainya, niat yang aku tak tahu mungkin terselit dalam hati manusia ni. Dan hakikat juga sekali manusia tu dah detect kurangnya kita, dia akan end up dua benda sama ada akan terima kita lagi atau lepaskan kita berdiri sendiri bekerja sendiri. Bila berkawan ni, bila lillah lagi, kita akan kesian sikitlah sebab kawan kita group tak berapa okey dan sebagainya. Benda yang aku selalu remind kawan aku,

 "Bila buat assignment group buat betul-betul tunjuk effort banyak-banyak, buat orang percaya dekat kita yang kita boleh buat bagus, jangan lah buat perangai tak datang kelas lah, tugas yang dah bahagi tak buatlah, dan sebagainya, jawabnya kau kena kutuk belakang ataupun, next sem kau akan terkulat-kulat cari group sebab kawan-kawan kau dah start tak nak terima kau masuk group diorang."

Sistem carrymark ni buat kan kita selfish tanpa kadang tu kita nak pun. Tapi sebab sistem ni kita terpaksa selfish. Banyak aku ingatkan diri aku, aku tak nak jadi beban kawan aku, aku taknaklah aku dapat markah carrymark tak berapa nak halal sebab peluh penat orang lain, aku cuma rembeskan peluh sikit je, tak adil, dan aku rasa tak berapa nak berkat. Dan asyik nak menyalahkan geng-geng 'selfish' nak group perfect ni kadang tak boleh jugak, maybe sebab diorang dah penat nak kena dapat carrymark tak setimpal usaha diorang. Penat diorang dapat markah tak sama dengan usaha diorang, tapi kita dapat markah pun cukup makan sama dengan usaha yang kita curahkan cukup makan, tak boleh lah macam tu. Dan tak sama group tak bermakna tak boleh tolong kan. Yang bagus sikit mungkin boleh tolong yang lemah sikit dan biar yang lemah buat usaha sendiri dan masing-masing markah pun ikut usaha masing-masing. Tht's how things work nowadays. Kadang aku gelak je penat dengan drama grouping ni sebab masing-masing pun tak sedar tahap masing-masing cuma kerja nak menunding jari dia tu salah dia ni salah. Kadang kita ni bila ada dalam group lemah marah yang hebat sikit sebab memilih lah selfishlah taknak bagi kita masuk group dia. Ada tu kadang kita group konon bagus kita pulak tunding jari mengata belakang tak nak group dengan diorang sebab diorang buat kerja tak bagus itu ini, tak bersikap terus-terang bagitau kurangnya diorang, Macam mana diorang nak improve. Solution-nya, kita sama-sama ingatkanlah masing-masing. Aku sentiasa ingatkan dan latih diri aku yang manusia ni tak ada limit, ada jugaklah limit tapi kalau boleh jangan letakkan limit, supaya kita akan sentiasa aim higher, dream big, dream far. (Chehh) Bila macam tu, kita akan push diri kita sehabis baik supaya kita sebenarnya bersikap serius dengan apa yang kita buat, jangan fikir puas hati kita je, tapi orang dekat sekeliling kita pun puas hati. That's the thing. Bila mana ada yang tak puas hati dengan kerja kita, maknanya ada lah tu kita tak usaha lebih tu. Jadinya, let's stop pointing our dirty fingers to anyone and start reflecting. Tak ada yang sempurna tapi tak salah mencuba.

Dan akhir kata, kita tak hidup sorang untuk nak buat kerja main-main. Beza main-main tapi kerja elok dengan main-main kerja pun tunggang langgang. Bila dah ber-group tu respect hak masing-masing. Takut hilang berkat belajar,

"sebab sedarlah timezone kejayaan kita ni berbeza"(Syafiq's)

boleh jadi sekarang kita boleh lah berjaya sebab hasil usaha orang lain, tapi nanti Allah tunjukkan berkat tak berkat tu pada waktu yang kita tak nak, kan dah jenuh. Dan ingatkanlah diri kita sentiasa, muhasabah sikit kenapa ada yang taknak group dengan kita. Goodluck budak-budak kolej dan universiti, semoga usaha kita sepanjang hidup belajar ni Allah berkati hingga ke akhirnya.

// maaf salah silap. just my two cents--

| KL. 0349. 180416 |

everyone is enduring pain. Fighting for their own battle inside themselves.
tons of people are having hard times. It may look fine on the outside, but they're having those storm inside, there're scars tht needp times to heal. Everybody is having pain and scars that they might not want to show, but doesnt mean it doesnt exist. The battle within ourselves that we hide, to make us feel stronger. But eventually, we know ourselves better. We know that we're not that strong, we need support and God, and people around us. Those time tht we hope people will understand, but end up we're getting hurt for hoping, cuz no one will understand, only God knows us. Sometimes they only see how pathetic we're for being scared over small petty things, crying just because you have to say a word to someone that you didnt know. Hell! they dont understand, they dont even f care. Until it comes the day that you hope you wont be a burden, you hope to die. And you start to do selfharm, and hoping God will take you , bring you far from human, that will only annoyed, fed up with u. God knows you better. and you keep on comforting yourself alone, in your room, saying you're too lazy to join the crowd, as an excuse, but you're just scared of the human that will ended up hating you for your weaknesses and trauma.

Give up? no. You cant .  Cuz God still loves you//

Himnaesaeyo,
 haqxtanz.

| Johor. 070416. 0427 |

Macam biasa, malam bagaikan syurga bagi dia. Lampu kalimantang ditutup. Dalam gelap dia meraba, lampu meja dibuka. Ruang bilik bertukar oren. Ukulele bersaiz concert dari begnya. Dengan jari-jemari kaku dia memetik rentak berterabur. Perlahan air jernih gugur dari tubir mata. Dia sengih. Teringat akan kata-kata seseorang pada dia beberapa lama dulu.

"Engkau aku tak kisah sangat. Kau kan kuat. Tapi ked tu aku kesian."

"Aku kuat?" Dia tergelak. Setiap malam nangis tak berhenti tu kuat? You just don't see it. No one ever sees me when I am at my worst isn't it. Dia senyum saja. 

Bila malam, lagi bila paginya tiada urusan apa, dia akan berkurung dalam bilik. Seorang. Bertemankan earphone, internet, laptop, ukulele, dan apa sahaja yang dia rasa perlu untuk dia nak bersendiri. Bila malam, dia bagai di dunia dia sendiri. Cuma tinggal dia dan Tuhan. satu-satunya tempat dia berbicara. Semua isi hatinya, yang tak mampu diucap butir kata, lidah tak bergerak. 

Dan malam itu, seperti malam-malamnya yang lain, dia duduk bersila dalam biliknya, seorang diri. Telinga dah bersumbat earphone, berlagu playlist random dengan lagu random juga, Ukulele diletak tepi. Kepalanya serabut, sama juga seperti hari-hari yang lainnya. Dia sedar, dia tahu. Dia selalu overthinking. Tapi entah celah mana dia tak tahu mahu berhenti. Cuba dicari baiknya overthinking-nya itu. Jumpa jugalah satu dua baiknya. Banyak benda yang dia nak meluah. Tapi dia tak tahu pada siapa, tak tahu bagaiman. Setiap kali nak bercerita pada manusia, lidah kelu, hilang kata, dengan kepala berfikir laju kemungkinan itu dan ini. Dan akhirnya lidah tak bergerak, liur kering, kata terluah. Cuma hati berbicara. Jadi dia lebih memilih menangis pada Tuhan setiap malam. Rutin dari umur 6 tahun. Bila abah ambil keputusan hantar dia ke asrama seawal umur itu, jenuh juga dia. Setiap kali naik cuti, dia meraung mahu pulang. Setiap kali kembali ke asrama, dia akan mengamuk, dan setiap kali itu otaknya ligat berfikir berbagai cara supaya dia tak perlu ke asrama. Dari gigit baju ummi supaya tak pergi sampai lah terseret di jalan mahu pulang. Sampaikan mudir datang dengan rotan baru lah dia diam dengan kesan air mata kering dipipi. Bila lama, dia penat. Bila adu dan raung kuat tak didengar. Dia ambil keputusan tangis pada tuhan. Seawal enam tahun dia meraung dalam diam pada tuhan. Setiap malam. Sampai dicubit budak perempuan katil sebelah kerana esaknya kadang terdengar mengganggu tidurnya. Semakin lama semakin dia mampu. Tiada esak kedengaran lagi. 

Sampai sekarang. Masih. Dia mengadu pada tuhan, cerita semua. Kerana dia dah lama sorok dari manusia, air jernih senang disimpan walau sakitnya diwaktu pagi. Malam juga air matanya akan gugur. Sekarang umurnya dah 20. Masih sama. Malam jadi waktu dia meluah rasa. Hasil enam tahun dulu, dia jadi tak pandai beritahu pada manusia apa yang dia rasa. Ada sekali dua dia cuba, tak mahu mulut bicara, dia ambil keputusan untuk diam, senyum dan teruskan hidup. Sedang setiap malam, air jernih yang jatuh jadi saksi betapa dia mahu berhenti hidup, dan bertemu tuhan. Tapi bila pagi, dia lebih banyak tawa tanpa cerita apa yang dia rasa. Malam jadi waktu paling otaknya ligat berfikir mahu cuba bantu drinya, tapi bila pagi datang, dia sendiri jadi lupa pada dirinya di malam tadi. Tak tahu nak salahkan siapa. Memang bukan salah siapa-siapa. Dan dia buat konklusi itu salah dia sebab tak berusaha bantu dan sayang diri. Malam ini sama. Dia menangis lagi. Sampai bila nak salahkan diri, dia tak tahu. Yang dia tahu bila esok pagi datang lagi, dia akan terus tertawa dan tersenyum, dan bila malam datang lagi dia ada Tuhan untuk meluah lagi. Berulanglah sampai dia mati. Mungkin ini memang jalan hidup dia. Penatlah dengan manusia dipagi, bila malam Tuhan juga yang tak mengecewakan. Dia sentiasa ada. Biarlah orang fikir dia kuat. Dia cukup kuat. Cukup kuat kerana masih hidup. Hatinya berkata. 

| Johor. 050416. 0409 |

there are days that I hope I can read people mind. I want to have that ability to try to fix things up. There are days when I hope I can help them seeing good out of all bad things that happen in their life. There are days that I hope I can understand how they truly feel and comfort them how much as they want it. 

"Hey, you're actually having two mother is it?" I randomly start a conversation.
"Yeah." and she just keep on looking at the Greentea that she just bought.
"and father?" 
"I have like ..." and she starts  to tell everything, while we walk through the college gate and went to cafeteria. I keep on nodded and asking her things that have been in my mind long time ago. and She keeps on answering to me.
"I don't know if I am actually redha already or not. But, sometimes I do feel sad over all of this thing." She continued as we walk together passing the gate.
"It was like when I was taking UPSR. and its not easy tho."
"But Thanks god, I have lots of people around me to support me." I can hear changes in her tone of her voice. I don't know how to comfort her.
"You're obviously a very strong girl. Very strong, If its me, I would totally kill myself because I am not strong enough." I smile. At that very moment I hope I have the ability. I hope.

Gettng into college life is far way more different from my school life. I have met a lot of people here and there. With a lot of different stories, different pain, different strength. Some of them are too fragile, some are mild, some are too strong. Above all that, I still hope that I can be the friend that they can rely on and ask for me when they needed someone to talk to. I hope to be their best listener although I am not one. Things are hard for me sometimes, and how sometimes, I can't face my hard times, I hope they will not having that very hard times, because I know it hurts. But somehow, It's just my little dreamy hope that I can't even take the courage to fulfill it, busy mending myself, busy trying to help myself to cure my own pain. and all I can do is hoping and praying for them. Sometimes I do feel like I am such a bother to people, and I don't have the courage to even go to them and ask how they're doing, so I ended up hoping everything're going to be alright for them. That's all. I do try my best to help, here and there, but I can't be the best, yet to come--

sodazz,

to him,

whom I missed and I admire.
I do regret for not waking up when it is your last hour to live,
But I will never regret to know that I ever meet such a decent guy and funny at the same time.
God knows where is the best place for you now and then,
we all know, because you're a nice boy.
We will always love and pray for you,
love--
Tejazz, your friend

| Malaysia. 240316. 1003|

people might think I am Irrelevant if I ever try to voice out my thoughts. 

I admit, I am kind of-- a very observant person. I look for every detail in a person, attitude, behavior, and stuff. Too observant some might think I am crazily weird. This happens when a friend of mine realizes that when I was describing a guy that we know. I don't know why, but it might be because of how I see how some things were treated unfairly before, that I became a very observant. I don't think that I am being irrelevant with things. It's not that I didn't tabayyun first with anything that I might see as something that's unfair, yeah but, human can sometimes be irrelavant-- blaming other people, while they don't see the fault in themselves. 

The issue of "Tak ajak" is one of the irrelevant thing that I've been thinking lately. It happens when some of us sometimes when we unintended went somewhere without telling some people from the group, the 'tak ajak' issue will raise. Sometimes I feel like, why ah this kind of things happens? Why ah some people show how they feel bluntly without even considering whether they used to do like that certain too? That 'tak ajak' issue was quite a funny issue for me, because, honestly, everyone must have been thru that. But the difference are, some might act maturely and just think positively, and some might bluntly express how they're so irritable over those what they called as 'unintended-lah-sangat'. We keep on pointing fingers to others saying other people 'tak ajak' but then are we that perfect that we always 'ajak' everyone to join us when we went to 'lepak' together? This is something that makes me ponder. 

Sometimes I do feel like 'Alaa, tak ajak.' and kind of 'terasa' irritable, sad etcetc, But somehow I try to be more considerate. Thinking of pro and cons and how I should be careful with my word, thinking about how sometimes I don't 'ajak' pergi lepak mana-mana jugak. Sometimes, the friendship itself became so complicated and hurtful is because we're too focusing on this petty mere things. We're too focus on this small things that shouldnt even become a problem, and eventually we forgot about the bigger things that we should have taken care of. 

Sometimes, we should take a break from talking and ponder more. That's the missing point. Ponder. If we ponder more, the best outcomes of it is how we will become very 'berlapang dada' and that is obviously serendah-rendah iman dalam ukhuwah. 

Long is it? Ahahahah. 

I honestly, have lots of thoughts on a lot of things, on alot of people, on why these people do these and that, but I just can't express it because some people always think that I am so irrelevant. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe its right that my thoughts are just a thoughts that are irrelevant and not mature, and that's why when something happens I would choose to shut myself and refrain myself from giving any opinion. 

Thats maybe why I am end up writing this long entah-apa-apa broken english thoughts T_T

dah ah. kbye.

| Malaysia. 280116. 0250 |

Sometimes It just need one person to believe in everything you do. Just that one person. and everything will be okay.

I sat myself alone in my room. Counting days to go back to studentlife a few more days. These days, I am quite distracted with a lot of things running through my mind. One of it is, Dream. I ask myself, what is my dream, but I got nothing. I don't have any dreams. Maybe I have one, or two, but I don't have the courage to try to achieve it. and for the time being, I can only have hopes. What I am hoping the most right now is, I want myself to be happy. I want myself to be happy, and I want to have someone that will believe in me, believe in everything I do. Although I am not sure who is that one person. But I hope I know who is that one person and I hope that one person will believe and make me happy. I feel so stupid sometimes. Because when people ask me what I want to be-- my ambition, I don't know what to answer. I don't even know what I want to be. God, I want to die when I am 20. and now I am 20. Am I gonna die now? I don't know. what is happiness. (Damn! my thoughts is so serabut see, dia pergi masuk benda lain) Marriage wont bring happiness. Family? Friends? Ha! I realised something. I really need to fix my negative thoughts. If you can my mind, my mind was like hundred percent can only see negativity only. I dont know why, but Its hardly to be positive dah nowadays. Aft. I finished my sch. I was like changing into somebody else. I hardly can think positive. I always see negative side of something. and that's why I got ..... --stop.

Hey, why don't we try to be happy and appreciate the happiness, the little things that Allah gave to us. no? Banyak lagi benda yang boleh dibuat alasan untuk gembira. likeeeeee . . . kawan-kawan, keluarga yang kita ada, Anak sedara baruuuuuu hahaha. 

there will be a lot of reasons for us to be happy, why choose not to be happy when you can be grateful with what you have, no?

| Malaysia. 110116. 0239 |

I have a lot of insecurities. Sangat banyak sampai aku tak boleh nak kira, dan andai suruh satu dunia kira pun aku rasa double tak cukup. See how banyaknya insecurities aku, (Hiperbola nak mam)
Dan janganlah mintak di-listkan sebab terlalu banyak sampai aku sendiri pun tak tahu yang tu insecurities. Duh! Lame!
and everyday, I will always think and think about how bad I am in handling myself. Managing my time, managing my life. I am still at the level yang sangat jauh untuk nak sibuk fikir nak menguruskan orang lain (Bukan kuruskan. sebab aku pun tak kurus-kurus lagi. ) (Lol. Noob gila jokes) in other word, fikir pasal kahwin or having any relationship sebab relationship tu sometimes boleh jadi kita kena help each other or try to help them manage something, itu bagi pendapat aku lah. Like maksudnya, you have to think untuk nak jaga dia, dari segi hati dia, etcetcetc. So, when you asked me about marriege, yes, I do want to, but Its not the time yet. or maybe takkan sampai waktunya.

_haqxta, bila nak kahwin?

Tunggu sampai dah cantik.

_Sampai bila-bila lah kau tak cantik hahahaha.

Kejam sia. Tapi tht's the trick *Smirk*

although sebenarnya, deep down inside here *tunjuk hati* Aku ada menyimpan perasaan pada someone. But have you ever felt, satu perasaan di mana before kau nak get too deep in love dengan someone, kau tetiba rasa nak nangis and end up you cried. Tak make sense what, tapi itu yang jadi dekat aku. What? sebab aku aku takut nak fikir, suka, etcetc pada any of the human. Scared of falling in love, is there any phobias on that? If yes, then I have a phobias. lol. Tapi itulah. Tapi kan, kenapa dari bab insecurities, dia berubah jadi masuk cerita cinta lol. Tapi itu lah, sebenarnya aku realised dah yang all this while aku ni sebenarnya takut dengan semua benda because I was having like problem dgn self-esteem aku. dan benda ni lead to many things and ada consequences dia. Tak perlulah mention sebab the cons was like very huge and lots, sampai yah, you cant count it with your fingers nor you hair lol. Some of insecurities yang aku rasa aku boleh untuk try harder utk menjadikan ia tak insecure dah then I try. But certain, I just dont have the courage utk nak try buang pun the insecurities. But at least I try hahahaha.

and because this is a midnight random thoughts, see how random it is. Jumping from one topic to another without even any introduction. Bare with me, cuz I am the immature haqxta, goodnight.

btw, tbh, aku jenis tak suka sangat reply whatsapp. Aku jenis silent reader. Dan aku bukan jenis tegur orang even orang yg aku rapat on social media. Kalau kau rapat dengan aku, irl aku akan interact dengan kau, thats the time. Nak jadi gila, buat bodoh, buat sweet buat manja, I'd prefer bila jumpa empat mata ke sepuluh ke seratus ke, macam tu. But thts doesnt mean aku tak rindu any of the people around me yang pernah dtg dlm hidup aku dulu, tak kisahlah in cyber life or real life,

listen. I miss you guys a lot. Tapi, aku ada satu insecurities, aku takut untuk tegur orang, sebab aku ada many thoughts inside my mind yang keep saying people yang aku tegur tu meluat dengan aku bebel, that's why bila aku tak nampak how reaction muka someone tu aku tak berapa berani nak tegur or sembang dengan dia. thats it. haha .
and serious this is the last for now,

"even a very tiny bit of memory can make us missing them so much. That's the power of memory. "(acah berfaslafah sia) -Twitter,@Haqxtanz

What happened in my mind 1

satu benda yang aku perasan;
aku selalu cari salah diri dan hina sehabis baik diri aku.
Sebab aku rasa jijik dengan diri sendiri.
Aku tak rasa aku talented for art,
aku tak rasa aku baik dalam segi apapun
aku tak rasa aku layak hidup pun.
Because what I know is, I am a loser and a noobies yang patutnya die and shut myself up dalam kubur without even people realised pun aku wujud.
Macam tu.
Dan aku masih tak tahu kenapa aku fikir sampai macam tu,
tapi boleh tak tolong ajarkan aku untuk tak having negative thoughts macam dulu balik,
I want myself back.
but I lose them nowhere, and I don't know why should I do pun.
Haih, So problematic, noob me--

babbles.

Lately, I feel so wrong like I don't want to even care about myself anymore. (How come that even happened.) Tapi hakikatnya, I am so fragile, setiap komentar manusia pada aku, aku rasa aku berada di tahap perlu untuk tak perlu hidup dan mati. I'd choose die rather than keep living life. Untill at that one moment a friend of mine said to me sarcastically,
 "Amalan dah cukup sangat ke yang nak sangat mati tu."
But I replied, "I don't care." and She simply smirked at me.
I don't know why am I thinking like that. My level of self-esteem sangatlah rendah, Or aku memang pelik. This semester, awal-awal dah kena iktiraf dengan doktor kata 'Awak stress' and She keeps telling me to stop eating chocolate and drink coffee. Dia bagi painkiller lagi siap. and I'll consume those pills like macam gula-gula bila pening. (Doh, mampus aku kalau ummi tau) Lagi sumpah stress bila Kelas art&Craft. I thought this sem's going to be great, sebab ada subject favourite, but then, aku stress. When people started to gives comment, positive of negative, I can't accept. I don't like when people around me even puji. Because I don't feel like I am puas dengan setiap art yang aku buat. A lot of things happened. Gaduh sana sini, hatred everywhere. Sampai aku rasa, salah ke aku cuba untuk positif dan maafkan certain people sebab maybe their level kefahaman dan tahap tarbiyah tu tak sama dengan aku. I feel like aku yang salah. and I do feel like I don't want to live anymore. Apa ni. Ya ya, ya. I am trying a bit harder this time, to help myself more. Tapi salah ke aku, bila aku try to be more positive towards people yang tahap tarbiyah diorang tak sama. I was like very affected, sebab aku rasa aku bersalah, and I shouldnt say anything. Even everytime people asked me to give opinion ke apa, aku rasa no I shouldnt say anything. Aku rasa macam I am not mature enough to comment or say anything. Nanti salah, orang comment apa lah. See tak mature. sedangkan dah 20 kot. Aishh.

btw, I love you guys so much, but I am introvert most of the time bila dekat rumah, because I don't feel like I have right to do anything. Macam the feeling of guilty bila buat apa pun. (Tak fahamkan) I dont know why I feel like tht, But I hope it will slowly faded soon insyaAllah.

stupid kan? Ok, I really need to stop blaming myself. and be more positive towards me.- myself. kan?

to the self-to the fish

people are too damn selfish.
As long as they can survive, they leave other people back, and move on.

People are too damn selfish.
Ignore other people feelings, but not theirs.

People are too damn selfish.
Ask help from others,
but not to help when others asked them some help.


People are too damn selfish,
Acting as if they need us when they have no one.
But leave us when they are with their so-called-friend.
Another bi-es

People are too damn selfish.
They are so selfish, even worst than the fish.
Don't blame the fish for being called selfish while they're not.
They're not even fight when they're appointd to be the source of food for human,
but Us, we fight for something that is not even ours.
Selfish on point.
Human again. Win the point.

0118 hrs// 28.8.15

definition of Friend : yes or No

I was asked, about my definition of good friend.
Stop with the corny and cheesy definition, I shut myself up, and leave.
So, what is my definition of a good friend?
and what is yours? Does it a type of person that would be with you thru thick and thin, ups and down? No? Or, the type of person who would pray for you non-stop in every of her/his prayer and tahajjud? Or the one who always remind you when you were forgotten. or the person who would always accompany you when you want to be crazy and mad? and the list goessss on----
with a thousand and millions definition of good friend will people define and give.

I would say that I am still far from being a good friend. I can't give my definition of good friend, but I have those in mind my KPI wthr I am being a good friend or not. and as I told earlier, I am still far from it.

If I am a good friend, I would'nt be that pathetic being so scared while letting my friend keep on making big sins.
If I am a good friend, I wouldnt let myself waits without advising my friend over those mistakes they're commiting.
If I am a good friend, I would not let them staying in the same spot without even help them.
If I am a good friend, I wont let them ruining theselves over those stupid guys.
If I am a good friend I would protect them from losing themselves.
If. I am a good friend, I would never let them even feel abit of the heat of the hellfire.
If I am a good friend, I will never enter thee paradise alone. I'll bring them too.

But, naaaah. I am still being the same pathetic girl who is so scared of advising and reminding my own friend, and just let them be who they are, and let them commiting sins, forever.
with the same old alasan, I don't want to hurt them.
But if not now, do you want to wait for them to get hurt later? No? Yes?
and I bet thee 'Later' is so damn worst than now.

Allahumma, thabbit Qulubana 'Ala deenik.

a 4a.m thoughts

I want to rant. I want rant hard.

But then, I feel like I dont know how to spill. Suddenly, expressing all my heart out is so hard, soooo depressing and tiring. 

Tapi kalau asyik fikir give up tak boleh jugak. Nak lari pun kalau tuhan kata nyawa masih di situ, tak keluar dari tubuh, takkan juga tamat hidupnya. Sejauh mana usaha manusia nak suicide, kalau tuhan dah kata, nyawa masih mengalir dalam tubuh tak ada yang mustahil untuk seseorang terus hidup.

When I fold my sleeve, all I can see is big regrets. Painful regrets. Haih. But, sometimes, I do feel like I can't promise to myself that this scars will bleed again. I can't promise to myself that I will hold myself. Like what I don't expect to be real long time ago.I thought those things that happened to those juniors of mine will never happened to me. But I am wrong. Things that I don't expect the most happened to me. 

Why do I have to have this fear? Fear of everything? Some might say I am mad. haha. But I guess, this is what I have to face. This fear inside me, everytime they forced me to do something that makes me felt so scared, my head feels like it's almost gonna burst, and I can't stop myself from teary. They don't feel the battle inside me. Everytime the fear came. Its so painful, I feel like I want to give up every minute it choked me up. They don't understand. Wont ever, will never. How can I say this, its just so hard. So hard that I feel like I rather die.

Ik-sis what? another big responsibility coming up. and the battle in my head mentally begin. 

I am such a complicated girl, you could say that. Bossy, noisy, etc etc. I don't like to meet new people. I just don't like to. I don't know, maybe because I don't know what to say. and because I am scared of new people. (well I am fear of everything). I would rathr stay in my room forever. (If  I can choose. but I can't) I don't like moody people. Just keep it when you're alone. huhu. Apa lagi apa lagi. I am so done with my life, but I cant give up just yet. Long way to go. Fighting!!! I am still trying my best to face my fear. I will feel like I want to give up, but whatever just ignore me. Dont say anything. still, I ill try my best tho. I might end up cry, ignore me. I will cry more often maybe after this. 

A long way to go, more big responsibilities await. Haqxta, Fighting!                            

still too random.

Setiap helai buku diselak. Kertas bersaiz A4 yang tertampal kemas di dinding disebelahnya dilihat. Sharpie hitam diambil. Checklist note yang perlu disiapkan sebelum exam isnin ni ditatap lama. Dia berkira-kira.
note-english, dah siap. Literacy on the way. the rest 3 subjects before the exam kena siapkan. at least those topics yang miss and madam dah bagi hint for exams. 
Sharpie dibawa. kotak kecil di sebelah tulisan 'English-Note' ditanda. Siap satu, 4 more to go! Fighting! Badannya diregang-rengang. Lenguh leher diurut-urut. Tab youtube yang sedang berlagu dengan playlist 5Sos, The Vamps, One Direction, LP ditutup. Hatinya tak tenang. Rasa gundah. Benda yang dah lama dia rasa dan sedar jugak. Tapi setiap hari pun, bila kosong tu datang, di isi dengan Zico's playlist rap yang mencarut tak habis, bukan zikir jadi halwa. Setiap hari benda-benda yang entah apa yang disumbat masuk telinga sampai hati pun dah tak kenal tuhan siapa sebenarnya.
Dia mengeluh berat. Perlahan-lahan jari bukak balik Youtube, tapi cariannya berbeza.
Bahtera Hamba-Zulfan ditekan. Tak pernah dengar lagu ni, tapi tadi baru habis baca Esc, ada lagu tu dalam one of the stories so, kita try. Dia berbisik.

one of the youtube ade selalu lirik tukang upload video tu letak. Slowly, hati dia rasa terisi. Bukannya lagu tu, tapi bila termuhasabah sendiri. Tu yang tenang tu. Bila tuhan bersama dalam fikiran, kerja, tenang lah, Bukan ke dah ada dalam quran Allah sebut pun. Haih baru nak ingat?
Dia mengeluh lagi,
Tak apa. Jatuh sebab Tuhan nak sedarkan supaya kita tak selamanya berada di atas dan tak selamanya Allah akan biarkan kita sesat, Tak ke?
Somehow semalam dah mula sedar rupanya, dah lama dah futur ni. Lepas menjerit menangis, terus bukak Surah Yusuf, Surah Favourite, teman tidur, terus paginya rasa macam sepanjang malam tuham pujuk dan peluk.
Sengih. Jatuh untuk bangun. Sebab Tuhan tak kejam untuk biar kita selamanya kosong. kan.

Dia mula senyum. Ok. Dah boleh sambung buat notes. Break a leg awak. dalam ujian hidup dan ujian dunia. Moga dean's list both dunya and akhirah :)

1131hrs

311015

m'sia

Benda biasa hari-hari.
Aku tak suka crowd.
Aku tak suka orang marah aku.
Aku tak suka orang marah orang lain.
Aku tak suka travel.
Aku tak suka tempat baru.
Nak kata aku introvert tak. Nak kata extrovert pun mungkin ye.
Both. Kot. Ikut waktu.
Aku ok je kalau lagu bukak kuat2.
Aku ok je kalau amplifier sebelah telinga aku.
I love loud but I hate crowd.
Aku tak suka jumpa orang sometimes.
Leceh nak penuhi expectation orang baru.
Leceh nak faham diorang.
Leceh nak jaga hati
Leceh nak jadi macam first impression diorang yg kadang tu melangit.
Lepas tu kita disalahkan.
Leceh nak kena jaga diri tershare lelebih tiba-tiba benda jadi lain.
Aku selesa. Biarlah dalam satu rumah. Aku ada bilik aku. Sorang. Orang lain ada je dekat rumah. Tak kacau aku pun. Bila aku rasa nak ber-mesra aku keluar, kalau tak, mereput lah. Takpe.
Bila fikir balik kenapa aku jadi macam ni,
Maybe sebab aku takut?
Takut dengan the fact tht aku takut dengan manusia, yang selalu menyakitkan?
Cukuplah, benda yg aku kena dulu buat aku punua self-esteem menurun macam level air bila org gila dahaga minum air, cepat je habis. Aku tak boleh nak buat apa. Semua pun aku rasa tak kena. Hatta nak cakap sikit pun aku takut, aku rasa nak hentak kepala aku kat dinding, kelar leher, takpayah hidup.
Berselirat otak aku fikir itu ini kalau aku bergaul dgn org. Itu ini. Sampai macam nak meletup pun ada. Penat gila la jadi seorang atiqah. Lepas tu japgi ada je org judge assume macam-macam. End up bila tak mampu buat apa, orang hentam aku. Ah. Asalnya memang aku nak ke? Tak. Tapi org pilih.