Hi, I know I got things on my mind, and I need to spill it out.
Yes, I want to rant, hard--
Its almost the end of ramadhan. Tonight is the end of 10 Malam terakhir. And I am crying right now. It is so sudden, I don’t know why I am tearing up while writing this, but yes, I am crying right now. I don’t understand why am I feeling this sad. It is so overwhelming. Maybe because I’ll miss the feeling when I pray to Lord during qiam. I didn’t feel that connected with God other than that particular qiam time. And I am not sure will I ever feel this way again. Will ever be able to wake up every night to eagerly see Him and weeping to Him like a small kid again--
Talking about praying, Doa’, I got a lot that I mention and cry in my dua’//
And among the things that I pray for is, “Lord, help me to love myself again”--
Yes, I am struggling. I know some people would say that I am over acting, over thinking, yada yadayada, and yes, maybe. But I don’t know how to hush away this feeling of hating myself so much ad how much I want to die. Some would say, “Hey kenapa dia macam nak mati sangat, dia ada family yang baik, kawan-kawan-” I wish those people can help me to stop feeling this way, but this is not the matter of them. Its me, its the complicated feeling no one can understand.
At times I feel like “okay, dying is not worth it.”
And the next day I find myself crying in my room alone, holding my voice inside, wet pillow from overwhelming tears, me trying to hurt myself and “God, I want to die so much. I don’t want to live anymore.”. It changing day by day, and it hurt so much.
And that is why, it always be my personal favourite wish and doa’; that I will pray to my Lord especially during qiam at this 10 malam terakhir. I am hoping and praying that I could love myself again, and stop thinking about wanting to die--