Back out

I did it again. 
I back out at such an important moment. 

and I feel bad, really bad about it.

I thought trying to be happy when you are willing to, will be much more easier,
But no.
It is even harder. than when I was in a state of mentally ill.
I thought to be happy is happy,
But it is a long way,  
And I lose to myself today.
I break down,
I hate myself so much,
I question myself alot of why I decide to pursue study far from my family,
Which with the reason to take my own life quitely.

Both are not easy, to die or to live, both are hard.

And as usual I feel extremely useless.
For not being able to fulfill the need of others.
And why am I the only who being affected so badly that the suicidal thoughts comes again. 

And I feel bad, for being a burden to someone who are dear to me. 
And for the very first time since I pursue my study, I think of quitting.  I could see myself give up. I could see myself cry and cuts again. 

Wheres the spirit to be happy?
When will I be able to be like everyone else. Who don't gets so affected by others words, who can work under pressure. This question will never have an end because there will never be a reality.

Dearself, if you feel like giving up, dont hesitate. Maybe that could be something for you to change. Maybe that will help you to survive,  someday.

So, himnae saeyo.