One of those terrible night.

right now, at this very particular moment, I am alone in my room, shedding my unstoppable tears countless times. They are a lot of things clouded my mind right now. I stopped writing at a time because it is too much.
A disappointment
a burden,
my deliberate or indeliberate mistake
towards everyone around me, some that I try to ask for forgiveness, some that I force myself to ignore because I think I should not feel like I am at fault.
but I still think that I am wrong,
the thought of me needing help but how I feel that I don't deserve at all
the thought of when I expose myself to the world of how vulnerable I am,
it is pathetic, I hate myself.
I feel so sorry to myself for being too sad,
for having this kind of thoughts,
the thought of when people reach out to me, I hate it how I can't trust them, I hate it how it makes me feel I don't deserve to grab their hand,
I hate it how it even makes me feel lonelier. As if they will leave me someday. the thought of nobody will stay.
the thought of how I don't deserve to even feel hurt, to even feel that nobody is here for you, all of this is selfish, the thought of how everyone had it worse than mine that is actually makes me hate myself the most for feeling like I am having the worst.
the thought doesn't feel like you belong anywhere, not even in your family.
the thought of how I always make them worried until when do I have to live and make everyone worried.
I don't want them to worry and burden them, hence I won't tell them, show them, how vulnerable I am, especially when it is right now. The worse moment of me. the breakdown.

till then, atiqah- stay alive at least for now.