Hey, I am writing what I usually talked to these empty walls.

 It quite baffled me when people ask me what I want to be, or what I see myself in few years, or maybe after I finished my degree which is another 1 year left towards it, or basically what's my plan with my life. I feel like all this time I was just following whatever god brought me to, without questioning, ignoring the meaning of living, and just counting days towards the day that I marked specifically in my phone calendar, but I guess god loves me, he gives me his hope and I feel like I want to 'live', which I forgot how does it feel after so long. and I feel like I am starting over. Like I need to start re-planning my life again. Hence, I always finds it a struggle to say anything, to even flinch because I feel like I was just being reborn, after feeling hopeless and just living life for the sake of still breathing. It was a struggle, cuz I d'ont go around people, even those who are closed to me, saying that 'Entah' or maybe "Sebenarnya, aku baru rasa nak hidup, which means that I need to reorganize my life again, starting from zero, finding myself, finding the connection with God that I think I've lost it or maybe ada macam signal lost here n there" I won't be saying this, but this is what feel. Like a lost child. Not knowing whom I should ask, or what I should do, like a total zero-- totally starting over. I would say its a very confusing phase of my life. I felt lost/ I dont feel any connection with anyone, or even God, maybe. tbh. I try to like find answer to this confusion, this hidden struggle but not from others, because I still have this trust issue I guess or maybe I'm just afraid of people expectation and judgement. But I am not quite fond of self-help book either. Never fond of it. Because usually it doesnt really help me. So, I stucked. for so long , not knowing what to do, feeling empty, trying alot of things but theres no soul in what I did, and I stopped. It was a continuous struggle that I hope I could end it like poof, magic. but no. Life is not easy as that. Dying was hard, same goes with living. and I start to take one step, and hinting to people that I want to talk about this new life that I want to live. Which I obviously cant find a way on how to like mengemudi through it. You might think that It kinda sound dramatic. Aduh kau ni, drama. but thats what I felt. and It might seems abit late, yah you already 25 almost 30, people at your age are usually starting to figure out their way in life, meanwhile you, are just trying to figure out how to literally starting to feel alive. Lawak, but bit sad haha. buts its okay. tuhan bagi peluang to feel that there is hope, jadi jalan lah terus, and ask for help when its due. which I obviously lacking of. I dont give chances to myself to ask for help from others. its not that they are not good enough, but I pushed myself too hard, with the idea of not to become a burden to anyone, and it usually a burden when I ask for help. Funny, even funnier it was okay if people ask for my help, I need to be able to help them no matter what, or else, atiqah, you are a failure. A serious problem there, which leads to the fortune of self-hate. Don't worry I still hate myself, feel pathetic when writing this and all. But at aleast, I 'feel' the urge to live again, and that matters. Moga ada matahari, dibalik hujan.