another day,

hi, its me. again.
I write this because I need to. or else I will lose control, I guess.
At least for the time being.
Its the end of the week as always.
where I would totally feel suicidal again.
I hold it for one whole week. and I succeed I guess.
nobody really notice this.
I am so good at this, no?

how is this week?
it was bad.
I cant say what I want to say,
and as always, I feel really bad about myself as usual.
and those flashbacks of mhs haunting me again. at times, I feel scared and I want to cry, but I need to hold it in. because omg atiqah you are so fucking ugly when you cried!
I am getting better at laughing joyfully. I am getting better at smiling happily.
Those people even thought I am an extrovert.
I managed to hold it in for one week, and here I am today, break down as usual, thus this post.

and another thing is,
I went to this one program, kinda like usrah. they are several question being asked. and I dont know what to answer.

like
kenapa kita hidup
bila mati apa yang kita nak org igt kita
and
apa yang nak org kenal kita

and the answers I wrote is

and yeah, I forgot already how it felt to have dream.
I forgot already how it feels to have things that you want to do.
I can only see death, dying and everything related to it from time to time now.
and that makes me forget how it feels to really living this life.
which is extremely sad,
and tiring

I am writing this to express and to distract myself because I cant stop crying right now, and its too overwhelming. I need to lower this down a bit before I did something really bad again.
lets just pray that Ill be able to keep on living tho my heart already long gone--