Very random one

Few days ago I went to a trip with my best best best friend. It was the best trip ever I guess, despite me having mental breakdown in the middle of the trip but I managed to held it in till night and cried. I start to know them better. And it was fun. We do lots of thing together, learning new thing, laughing, karaoke-ing, yadayada. I even managed to bring myself to casually talk and have conversations with my special someone whom I called my crush. I never good when it comes to talking to different gender. The awkwardness is usually unbearable. But during the trip it was different. And fun. We ve talk about a lot of things. Even about the most trivial things I wish we didn't talk about haha. If you asked me do I want to confess, my answer would be a 'NO'. I don't expect anything from this feeling actually. I guess its temporary although its almost 5 years I like him, but I don't want to expect more. I don't think much about life. Obviously I don't feel like living anyway. And I want us to be friend. That's all.

When you don't feel like living anymore, you don't want people to cling to you or even you cling to theirs even if it not you who cling to them, you don't even want your feeling to cling on them. And confessing is not a good idea. I always believe that confessing is a big thing. If you are not sure with your life, don't confess. Kesian orang tu kalau apa-apa jadi.

I am happy enough to be able to feel this unmounted feeling. Tho it makes me feel happy, sad, miserable and in pain sometimes but all of that makes me feel alive.
I just wish he's going to be alright and be safe all the time. I dont want anything else, not even his positive respond to my feeling.

It was great knowing you, and like you, untuk keseribu kalinya aku berdoa pada tuhan moga kau jatuh pada manusia yang baik-baik.