Suicide options (triggers warning)

My mental health is not that great at the moment. And I guess talking to people about this hurts me more. And I decided not to talk about it. Not voluntarily.

These past few years, I've been thinking about suicide a lot. I've been thinking about how should I do it. When will it be. Where it should be done. The consequencs, the possibility of not succeed. I've been thinking about these things alot. Never a day passed by, I stop thinking of it. Its like a routine, preparing myself for the worse. I never that brave to bring myself to search on the internet on how to do it. The thought of dying itself somehow scares me. But you know sometimes its too much, they are days when I got sudden headache cuz Ive been holding tears in public from running down my eyes, it hurts. My stomachache because I've been holding in all the anxiousness inside. Those days when I really want to stop and disappear.

And last year, I starts to plan for my very d-day. Ive started to look for some options on the internet. 'Least painful Suicide' 'how to strangle myself till death' 'how to cuts till I die' 'From which floor will I die if I jump'
These kind of thing starts to clouded my search engine. Sometimes I am scared of myself, because the options are bearable.
I can do it anytime, I am scared that theres gonna be someday when its tooo much and I did it without leaving any notes. Without saying goodbyes. I at least want to say goodbyes and ready. By ready means that I want it to happen just like what I want it to happen. Not just I was like fall from hiking or anything and die. That doesn't feel good at all.

And what scares me even more. Few days ago, I bumped into another option that is very easy for me. Which are overdose tablet. Paracetamol to be exact. Isit some kind of revelation? I don't know. But all this time, Ive never seen that option. Ive been thinking about gas, cuts, drowning, jump from the buiding, suicide partners, strangled, but not this one. Which is actually quite easy for me, cuz I got access to paracetamol. I consume on daily basis cuz I have headache almost everyday. And this option suddeny pops out out of nowhere, Ive only realised when I was searching for it.

And I guess maybe, this will be the best option. No blood scattering, no scary visual, just you die that doesn't really look like a suicide. Perfect.

What a weird thing to think about right.
But this is apart of what inside my mind.
And I guess throwing this here won't be a problem, cuz no one really reads blog nowadays, especially mine.

Yes, I want to disappear, quietly, forever.