Question mark

There's so many whys.

I've been asked why did I cuts, why did I think of suicide so much, why did I think people won't feel sad when I decide to take my own life, why I think it's okay to suicide nor self harm.

There's too many whys,
That I don't really have definite answer to it.

I don't even know myself anymore, I don't understand myself anymore.
Why I did what I did? I don't know. It feels right. I felt like god allows me. For what basis did I think He allows me, I don't even know.

Sometimes I think that the world will be better off without me.
Some will be sad, of course, they are human.
But they'll forget eventually.
They will.

I feel like God gonna forgive me if I decides to do it.
I don't see an end to all this sadness and loneliness.
How much I try to brushed it off, laughing it off, smile as much as the whole world could, theres always sec in every minutes, my inner self reminds me that I am all alone. And things will never be better.

And I guess suicide will somehow ends everything,
For everyone, for me.

No more drama, no more sadness.

But I don't know whether things will better.
Or are everything gonna be forgiven and forgotten?

I am wounded, and I am scared to let anyone in to heal me or even let myself heal myself,
Cuz all this time, only hurt I am causing myself, how can I heal?

Nobody knows, and I guess, I can never be healed.