Relapse, 29 may 2020

Do you have childhood moment that when you remember it you felt terrible and you want to cry so bad because you can still the sadness, the pain?

Do you have a moment in the past that you can't forget and it pain you so much you feel tired everytime you remember it?

I have. And to make it even worse, my current moment is also too painful, it makes me wanted it to stop.

It's too painful and tiring It makes me want to hurt myself and kill myself.

I don't want to wake up, 

I don't want the morning to come

I don't want to see anyone 

I don't want to remember anything

I just want to die. 

Relapse may 2020.

Post raya.

I've been having nightmares. The same one almost every night.

Flashes of my past coming back vividly.

All those painful moment decides to visit me more than the usual. I feel pressured by all the pain from the past and the sudden sadness and sorrow drown me. 

I can't help it but to cry 

And I cry like crazy. I try to strangle myself cuz I just hate the pain of remembering those moments in the past. 

Can I just end this.