Kuala Lumpur,2020
as I grow older, the scars on my hands just add up.
but there are things that God erased in 2020 for me after 24 years of living, and I am thankful for that.
and that is--- the (extremely) suicidal feeling every single day.
I've been living with that feeling since I was 17. It clouded my mind and never leave me since.
as time goes by, it doesn't get better, It gets more serious than a feeling--to action.
taking few tablets in one go, cuts from hands to the thigh, knock my head on walls, and all the episodes of hurting myself goes on.
But I never stop praying amidst those pains and sobs. I pray to God of my miseries and pains, of my unwanted feelings and feelings that I can't find a reason to why do I felt certain ways. I pray, for my feeling to ends.
I never stop, until the end of last year, something small happened, and it felt like it swept off that specific feeling. I guess that was my calling. A start for my eternal happiness that I've been longing and looking for. It's good to not think about wanting to end my life, or counting days to that specific date for my dday that Ive marked on my phone calendar. It felt better. Despite still having this weird sadness and anxiousness here and there, but I am glad for at least, suicide is not my only way out that I see and think of when things are hard. Sungguh, tuhan itu dekat dan mendengar.
In 2020, my prayers answered. Plenty of it. I would not dare to say that it is the best year, cuz that particular night in 2020 still left me with this heartache, uneasiness, and fear. The blood, the pain, even the scar still in pain sometimes although it's healed--
In 2020, I got to be more mature, more understanding, learning more on how friendship works.
I might lose a bond that I used to have, lose some precious people whom share memories with me, taught me to be more patient and on life, but It is all good, they are with much more better people.
In 2020, I almost lose my grip, lose myself, but God saves me, heal me and grant me more than what I thought I need. People said, we should count blessings instead of sadness, but for me, by reminding both good and bad days, you are reminding yourself to be true to yourself and people around you--
This year, I might not be able to achieve that much, or maybe I might be me whos still struggling to find myself, who I really want to be, and I want to let myself know that it is okay. Despite wanting to do this and that, to fulfill what I long for without being honest with those who close to me, who cares, it is totally okay. If it doesnt work this year, there is always another year to try and pray for. and one thing that I want to at least try this year is, to love myself. to let myself know that it is not wrong to be vulnerable at times. To break down in front of those who loves me. Its okay to not meeting people's expectation, Its okay to say no instead of yes and hurt myself for making mistake, to do what I want to do for myself instead of focusing too much on others while sacrificing my own wellbeing. Although I still dont know from where and how to do this love self things. Let's just do things and be mindful of myself more. Be mindful of me more than I always do to others. siapa lagi nak mindful to ourselves if not us, no? (walaupun cam I kinda hesitate this cause I still hate myself here and there, still feel pathetic for still living and being a burden to everyone) But its okay, lets try. Oki.
Moga sedikit-sedikit doa yang dibisik selamba disenggang waktu sunyi dan sela masa sebelum tidur, ada yang mendengar dan perlahan-lahan dimakbulkan. Moga sedikit-sedikit luka yang makin bertambah, dibalut kasih sang yang dekat sedekat urat nadi, dipeluk sentiasa, memadam rasa punah, diganti sejahtera sempurna, dari Dia yang paling sempurna.
Moga lebih baik untuk semua, yang paling disayang, diketahui atau yang hanya simpan tanpa diketahui sudah 5 tahun lamanya.
Moga baik sungguh untuk semua yang juga menyayangi diam atau terang-terang. Moga ada sempurna buat kita. kalau tak disini, di sana nanti---
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