a quick note, while writing this, I am trying my best to put my poker face and holding back my tears, tho I am trembling and I feel my inside starts to crumbling.
try to laugh it off, but I cant hold it in anymore.real reality check, I am not okay. at all. (remind me when am I truly okay, really?)
macam terfikir just when did I ever be honest with myself that I have the audicity to have an expectation that people who are close to me will be honest with me? Crazy.
As I was in deep thought just now (waktu dalam toilet) I realised this gushed feelings of pain inside me. and those sweetest nicest people that I loved to the core fill up my mind. and I feel sad. Reality check, I am hurt and in pain. but thoseee few days upon receiving the news I try to calm myself and try to hide the fact that I am not okay. I dont realised this at first, but theres this heavy feelings lately, following me this past few weeks. which is the prove that I am not honest with myself, I try to cover it up and act as if I am all okay with all this things. the prove is, I am kinda emotional these few weeks. I feel the urge to cry even over little things, I feel tired. Maybe just maybe, I think that I shouldn't feel the way that I felt and I try to ignore it, while I am not really. I do feel like I dont have the reason to take it into heart, and my feeling is not valid, but trying to make it as it is, and ignore it does not makes me feel better. i am hurt and I want to cry so much.
Knowing that everyone eventually will leave you and have their own sweet life breaks your heart and pains you so much. You are happy for them but it does ache you cuz they are happy with their own life, without you as apart of it.
For honesty, I don't feel the need to be honest with myself because I don't feel like I deserve all this things. I dont deserve and I shouldn't feel the way I feel. I feel like I am too selfish to think only about my feelings.
Do I have high hope on my friendship or am I stupid to think that we are going to work out. Thinking about this drain my energy thats left to just keep on living and I feel extremely unwanted and wants things to end soon. Life is hard as it is, but having it together with someone like them make it bearable. But as they seems like they hardly wants this to work out I feel so heavy as if my little energy and will to live pour so much into this makes me feel soo tired and hopeless.
Should I not having this hope. Does everything will go down to drain. Will I ended living alone and eventually die alone. I don't have answer for that. I don't have energy to trust on us anymore I guess. I might kill myself if I ever be too concerned on this things again. It slowly kills me from inside. And I am scared of myself the most right now cuz I feel like I can't think straight.
Of all these feelings and emotions, I hope we're gonna be okay somehow.
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