Bottled up feeling

I realised today that I bottle up my feeling alot. When I thought I was okay it is not that I am truly okay, but I unconciously ignore the feeling, and its actually still there, piling up one after another until it comes to a week and sometimes a month, that it becomes overwhelmed and I broke down. Thats when the inner part of me knock me hard telling me that the bottle is full you cannot keep it inside anymore. And thats thenworst part. It is always comes during the unexpected time, when I was busy with work and life that I cannot throw it up that I ended up biting my bottom lips, holding myself from crying, suck it and telling myself I am okay while I am not. And what even worse is, I am too embarassed to express myself, in front of others and in front of myself. Thats the worst. Like I am another person, I hardly being honest with myself and keep it, not letting myself says what I am feeling to myself. 

Why even I write this? Cuz I need to. Cz now, I feel like crying and bawling because of whatever feeling Ive been feeling and keeping for the past days and weeks bottled up waiting to pour out bit by bit, but I dont want to let it out. 

I guess it was me that dont want to heal. Maybe I just want things to end. All at once. Maybe.