hi. first post of 2023 i guess

Its emotional week i guess. I am so tired and exhausted, physically and mentally. Cries and shed tears over small tiny literally unnecessary things. I guess its a relapse. Feeling suicidal, missing azfar a little too much. Haunted by past painful memories over and over again. Feeling helpless, hopeless and just in total pain. God. Reading yang paling patah antara kita doesn't help at all. Especially when theres azfar name in it. Make it worse, the characters dead in the book, read half-way through, i need to put it down cuz it hurt my chest to continue reading. The same exact feeling when I read hiatus ke esc. By mato. Triggering, should have take it seriously the warning. I am too tired but i cant bring myself to sleep cuz Ive been holding my voice and crying right now. I am in total mess. Haven't felt like thus for so long. Its totally a relapse. Hopefully this time it doesnt last long. Cuz being in this position aint helping me at all just like before this. It took my energy, and everything. I meed to wrote this down. To calm myself a bit. Shit I need azfar right now. But how the hell can he be here when he is now in other universe?! I am tired, in pain, lonely and struggling. I felt so bad I dont feel like living. Fml. I'm tired to continue writing anymore. I am sobbing now, hopefully it can make me sleep faster.