selesai. bila pula aku akan selesai

Selesai membaca novel berat after so long. What is this feeling? Apa rasanya ini? I couldn't describe it. Not good with words seperti biasanya. It was a mixture of numb, but immaculate sadness at the same time. Very suffocating. Rasa semacam ada batu yang tersekat di tekak. Sudah sedia batuk dan berkahak tetapi ini, lebih menyesakkan. Kalau kahak tak selesa rasa di rongga, ini seakan sesak di dada, sampai menangis dan mahu semuanya terus berhenti. Seluruhnya, rasa, nyawa, mata pejam, atau in other word, mati— 

Azfar in the book died. I wanna hug him so bad. As much as I wanna hug my azfar right now. Kenapa kena azfar? Kenapa kena namanya azfar. Kenapa bukan firman. Kenapa bukan wataknya firman yang mati tu? Tukar nama je. So that it will be less painful dan I am not in this position right now. 

Its crazy bukan how little things like this could trigger my suicidal thinking back. Hanya dengan baca satu buku, dengan nama azfar. Its triggering and reminding me of my trauma. Or maybe whatever I have been feeling this past few weeks juga penyumbang kepada perasaan ini. Perasaan ditinggal semua manusia, perasaan hanya tinggal seorang diri, perasaan, ditinggalkan, dengan diri sendiri saja, perasaan takut dengan diri sendiri. Takut apa, why do i have to feel like this again? Kenapa perlu datang semula. Kenapa perlu menyesakkan semula after so long. 

Azfar, if u are still here, I know it will be less miserable kan. I'll be much more happier kan? Tapi kenapa tuhan tiadakan kau dan hanya pinjamkan hanya sebentar? I dont have answer for that. And I dont have energy to think of why I dont deserve to think that i deserve to live either. 

I am so tired and scared of what I am feeling right now. I am scared with everything I am feeling right now. Why cant i just feel nothing and better just like before. Why cant i just be at peace and not suicidal like this? Sesak. Sakit kepala. Penat menggigil dan menahan suara dan air mata juga gigil² sehingga perlu menahan dengan menggigit bibir bawah dan jari. 

I. Dont feel like feeling, and living. I, can I just end things. Can someone just do it for me. Can I just end this all at once si I dont have to feel this way ever again. I, I dont want ti be left alone. Its scary.