When I was with my batchmate during our raya convoi, we talked 'bout lot of things, and it comes to this point where one of my batchmate and also an IGOT7 too, and also my followers on twitter mentioned about my tweets. She straightaway mentioning 'bout how depressing it is when she reads my tweet, even she sometimes, turned out to be depressed with my tweet. "Your tweets were like, very depressing and I was happened to be one tooo suddenly, why ah, you're not that happy huh with your life." and She laughed. I laughed. for some times, I keep on ponder on what she said, even until now. and I starts to tweet least on twitter and just keep it for a quite while in my own freaking mind and hoping it will eventually forgotten. Tbh, I didn't know that my tweets were so depressing that it's actually effecting anybody. When I starts to tweet about what I feel, sometimes, I cant stop myself from tweeting anything that are not what in my mind. Those suffocating feelings that I had to keep from sharing about it to anyone, not because I don't want to but I just can't because I don't know how to, and tweeting 'bout it instead just to comfort my ownself, I didn't know tht it was actually giving people some kind uncomfortable pulak, then I think I should stop. And I was like questioning myself, over and over again about my whole life,
"Are your life that bad?"
"Are you not happy with your life now?"
"Are your laugh and smile are just a camouflage to hide your pain?"
Are you in pain?
and more questions going through my freaking head-- It's not that I'm not happy, but life are supposed to be thorny and stormy sometimes aite, and I do admit that I'm quite negative person when it comes to myself, but not to other people. Whenever things happened, I just can't accept good things that I did, cuz I feel like I don't deserve to be treated good nor to be looking as a good person. But when it comes to other people, it was always a positive thoughts and positive vbes.
I don't why it turned out to be this way, but I really need to stop blaming myself for anything bad that happened, and start to love myself more.
and this is me. writing AS IF I will be good to mself and love myself more, but it always awfully end up failed. but above all this try and error, I am still hoping that I can actually get that 'eternal happiness' and living with the 'me' that I can live with, grow old with. and no matter what the future brings--
and, I am very truly sorry for tweeting such depressing tweets haha, I will try my best not to aft. this. InsyaAllah. May Allah give us the peace of mind and heart and shower us wth His blessing throughout our life, Ameen.
adios.
